The next chapter...

Tomorrow is June 17, 2009. I will begin my new job with Round Pond Estate tomorrow morning as their wine educator. The job will take me to Napa, a move that will happen slowly over the course of this summer. I have so many things to say about this, starting with: I NEVER saw myself working/living in Napa! And I never saw myself settling down in a relationship, only to have it work out the complete opposite of how I planned. And I never thought I would leave San Francisco, the city I have wanted to live in all my life, only a few months after arriving. But that just goes to show, you should NEVER say NEVER!
The last few months have been quite a test on my sanity. So many things have happened that I didn't see coming by a long shot. After writing my last blog in January about Ryan, I finally felt good about being on my own, and going out into the world to fulfill my dreams. I was starting to learn so much about myself, my strengths and character. One thing after another kept moving in the right direction, and I went with it, free to go wherever the wind was taking me. In the beginning of February, I got a phone call from Ryan saying he was ready to move back to California. This came as a huge shock, especially since I had just come to terms with the fact that he would probably be in New York for the next couple years. But I was elated nonetheless. Upon his return, things sprang into fast track. We traveled up and down California visiting friends and family, and reconnecting with each other. We talked about what our plans were for the immediate future, and we both agreed that we wanted to be in San Francisco. I was ready to push my business into gear, and he was ready to be a top wine broker. So we made the decision to move in together, since we both knew there was no way either of us could afford to move to the city on our own. It was an easy decision as well because we had traveled throughout Europe together, and lived in pretty tight, unpleasant quarters, and managed to survive there. (More of a practical move than a romantic one) I quickly found a part time job pouring for Hanna winery at the trendy wine bar Press Club in downtown SF, and it would allow me time for my own business ventures as well. Ryan landed a full time job in wine sales just a couple blocks over in Union Square. We were set! Then the problems began flooding in.
The week before we were set to move into a place, the woman we were renting from changed her mind. We had 4 days to find another place and move in before Ryan started work the following Monday morning. We frantically looked, and found a decent room to rent at an insanely high price, but being our only option, we took it. Little did we know the woman we were renting a room from was clinically insane. I don't want to go into that much more, because there are still open issues with "Wacky Jackie" involving our deposit. Needless to say, it was very hard on Ryan and I, and it was all we could do to just support each other and not completely lose our heads.
Work progressed for both of us, despite the unbearable situation at home. My job was simple, and a bit on the mindless side, but I persisted because it was exposing me to the right kind of people. Ryan's job kicked his ass, and taught him a few things about rejection. We both agreed we weren't making nearly enough money to survive in this city, nor were we truly happy. Yet we carried on.
A few weeks ago things hit a new low. I was actually in tears about our living situation and our jobs were becoming too much of a struggle than the value of the benefits reaped. We started looking for new places to live, and meekly started scanning the job market. We quickly had results with the housing issue, and got out of that hell hole fast. And I started finding jobs that had a little more of a promise for a future. I got two offers from jobs in the city, but my heart was really set on this opportunity in Napa. While the jobs in the city would have been ok, they were not the push to the next level I was looking for. They were simply too easily got, and I have always been driven for more than that. Even Ryan found a company that inspired him, doing almost the same thing he was doing in SF, but for a company that valued wine, people and relationships, and didn't just want to hassle people on the phone all day.
As for me, after an extensive interview process, I accepted the job with Round Pond and prepared myself for the next major challenge in my life. As for Ryan, he received a job offer today from the company he has been applying for, which is also in Napa. As for us, we will be moving forward to these next adventures in our lifes as individuals, supporting each other as friends at every step. Ryan will be looking for places in downtown Napa, so he can avoid buying a car, and I will be commuting from the place I will be house sitting for in Tiburon for the next month and a half while I take my time looking for the right place. We are both really excited about moving back to wine country and living by ourselves. There is so much we both still want to learn about ourselves as individuals and ways that we want to grow. We finally realized that as much as our feelings told us to be together, we honestly had nothing to give to one another, and until we do, we have to venture out alone. Ryan is still one of my best friends, and I cannot thank him enough for being patient with me this past few months while I have been trying to figure out my path. We both acknowledge that neither of us would be where we are without going through everything we went through together. And although it didn't work out as we had planned, we have no regrets and no reason to look back.
A lot has changed lately, but I embrace it all whole heartedly. I look forward to living in an area where my business may have a chance in the future, but in the meantime, getting some hands on experience working for a great company. And I look forward to continuing to move my relationships with the great people in my life forward. My family and friends have been more important than ever, and it is so comforting to know they are always by my side. The other day I had a realization... When my friend Chris passed away almost 2 years ago, it was the first time I had lost someone outside my family that I was extremely close to and loved with all my heart. I realized that I didn't even understand how much he had meant to me until he was already gone, and it left me with a horrible sinking feeling inside. Chris was the only friend I had that I was that close to, and I feared I would never have that again. Then I realized that over the past few years, I have been fortunate enough to form relationships with a few amazing people, that I know will be in my life for as long as we are living. There are only a handful of them, but they are more valuable than I could have even imagined. Because I know I never told Chris enough how much he meant to me, I feel blessed to have realized how lucky I am to have such wonderful friends now. We have been through a lot together, and we carry and support and push each other all the time. I want them to know how much I love them and how greatful I am that they are in my life. They have taught me things about myself that are so important; they have helped me become a better person, and accept the person I am. Along with my rock solid, super star family, they have made me happy to be the silly, dorky, emotional, over-analizing, melodramatic, hopeless romantic, independent, pushy, picky, stubborn, giggly girl that I am. They know all the silly idiosyncrisis about me, and they love me despite, or inspite of all of them. And for that I want to say thank you. I love you all too!
Now I move forward to this next chapter of life, ready to face it head on, confident, scared, excited, alone, and independent, but with all the support anyone could possibly ask for.
Recent discoveries/ things I always knew but didn't want to admit:
Likes: buying new sponges (or any cleaning products for that matter), hot dogs, fog horns, sleeping in, texting, burning candles, new makeup, painting my fingernails, iced tea, fuzzy socks, lillies, watching my favorite TV shows, quesadillas, going home, SLO, hugs, being mentally stimulated, being listened to, driving, California, sunsets
Dislikes: mornings, insane roommates, doing laundry, parking tickets, taking the bus through China town, painting my toenails, being bored/unchallenged, stupid people, pointless rules, the neighbor's loud music before 8AM, flaky people, being ignored, namecalling, criticism, bums, daily test of emergency siren, bad drivers, flossing, vitamins

London, Mom Graduation, LA

California Road Trip

Just when I thought my travels were coming to an end, I decided to take a three week trip up and down California to see friends that I have been missing this past year. I started in San Francisco on December 29 to visit my friend Mike, the same guy I wrote about in July who was on the Switzerland trip with me. We have managed to somewhat keep in touch while I was away, although college boys aren’t the most consistent pen pals to have. It was a beautiful day in the city and I made reservations at my favorite place to have dinner. The restaurant is called Nopa and it is owned by my mentor Laurence Jossel. This man worked as a restaurant consultant for the past 15 years, opening restaurants across the state for other people, one of which was Adagia, where I worked in 2004. Laurence took a shot on me when I was young and lost, just beginning to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I was working as a server at the time and I asked Laurence if he would mind letting me work in the kitchen so I could learn how to cook professionally. He and the head chef took me under their wings and taught me as much as they possibly could about cooking, which brought me into the wonderful world of food and wine which I now live for. About 3 years ago Laurence finally opened his own place. It had been in the works for a while, and then one day I was flipping through Bon Appetit magazine and there he was!! Just shortly after opening, he was already drawing the attention of many, and has continued to climb and become one of the top restaurants in San Francisco. I like to pop in at least once a year so he doesn’t forget my face, since my hope is to work with him in some way down the road. We’ll see where that possibility leads over the next few years.

So dinner with Mike was pleasant and I was thrilled to catch up with someone after so long, but like all the other people I have caught up with recently, it was different than I expected. After spending the last 2 weeks back in California, I have had a lot of time to get immersed back into the lifestyle here and part of it has even come more naturally than ever. I have been attempting to change my mind set over the past two years and have since become much more open to just enjoying everyone and everything around me without being so uptight. It has been very refreshing especially since my first couple years of college were spent feeling slightly out of place as an “old soul” in a young people’s world. So in the 24 months I have made a conscious effort to just relax, let go, and have a good time, which has yielded amazing results. I stopped stressing about whether I was going to get enough sleep, or what I might look like to other people. I started saying yes more often when someone invited me out to have a beer, or go dancing. I started trying as many new foods, drinks and activities as possible, despite whether I had previously disliked them. I started mixing up my wardrobe, music selection, movie viewing, even groups of friends. Although I didn’t notice a big difference right at first, over time I started to notice there were particular things I began to embrace and they started to become a part of who I was, and I really started to identify my personality. This all led up to me traveling abroad and discovering and identifying even more things about myself, but I am so glad I started the conscious journey early, so I didn’t waste any more time being too tired, too sick, too cranky, or just too much of a downer. So it is this conscious choice that has made interacting with everyone a lot easier and way more fun! I don’t know where my sense of humor went for a while, but upon the training of the last couple years and returning from England, I finally feel like I can laugh at myself the way everyone should be able to. It’s hard to explain how much your eyes open to the world when you choose to let them. It’s not even about traveling far and wide, it’s just about opening yourself to all the possibilities around you and striving to learn something from everyone you meet. It’s made me realize that we have no right to make judgments on anyone, no matter what they believe. Just because it may not be what you believe does not mean its wrong and everyone is entitled to their own opinions. This is where we get into the part of being home that has been more difficult.

One of my biggest pet peeves is people trying to push their beliefs on others, ESPECIALLY when alcohol is involved. Am I alone in thinking this is a huge no no? This is actually something that has bothered me for a long time, but I usually just stay quiet and let the people around me argue it out. I'm not sure I will ever voice a strong opinion of opposition to the loud debates that take place between various family members and friends, because retiring to another room is just an easier and smarter option, but I can at least vent my frustration here, since that’s what blogs are for after all. I think it is the silliest thing when people have a few glasses of wine, or several beers, and then decide to spout off about religion or politics. Has any one of these conversations ever ended well, or with anyone’s opinion actually being changed. The only opinions being changed are those of the people in the argument’s opinions of each other. It has definitely become a personal challenge to try and deal with people’s preconceived judgments towards the world that they base off of nothing other than what they heard from their favorite morning radio show or local newspaper. There is no basis for half of the opinions I have heard in the past two weeks other than personal bias and naivety. I realize I am being VERY general, and I by no means think this of everyone I have talked to, but I am just so frustrated at people living in a small sheltered area believing anything their neighbor tells them and standing by it to the death. It just all seems petty to me.

The other thing I noticed in San Francisco and have continued to see down in L.A. is how much life changes after college. I only began to notice it in London, where it hit me that I no longer have homework or extracurricular activities to attend to, and work was my only commitment. I figured out that I could now fill my life with anything I wanted, and it was quite a liberating realization. It was the first time I realized that everything was in my control and if there was something I wanted badly enough, I should find a way to have it, because no one should have to live without the things that make them happy. Don’t get me wrong, I by no means think this will be an easy feat, but I am excited to push myself everyday to achieve the goals that will make me fulfilled. So what frustrates me now is how when I was in school, I didn’t see or understand that. No one ever said to me how free I would be, or how many choices I would have in front of me. All of a sudden I can read any books I want, not just what I have to read for school. It’s one of the silliest but most amazing things I have encountered and it makes me so happy. I also don’t feel like I have to cram anything into a short amount of time like 4 years of college. This is it; I have the rest of my life from here on out to do it all! It’s such an exciting feeling! How come you people aren’t talking about this more? The possibilities are endless. Part of me feels like a wide-eyed child who is seeing the world for the first time, but the better half of me is seeing the world as a fresh clean palate that I can conquer with everything I have learned the past 24 years. Things can only continue to get better each day from here.

Alright I will get off that soap box for a while and continue to tell you about the rest of my road trip so far. After San Fran I came down to L.A. to visit with my brother and a few other friends I haven’t seen in far too long. I spent 3 nights at Nicholas’s place in Westwood which is a cool area of L.A. that is full of UCLA students and awesome little shops. His house is full of rugby playing boys, but they were all out of town for the holidays when I arrived so it worked out great. It was really nice hanging out with my brother down here in his stomping grounds. I have tried to visit him in his various places of living over the past few years, and until now they haven’t instilled a whole lot of faith in me. But I have to say I am impressed with how he is living down here. He seems to really be coming into his own in this area, and it is suiting his personality really well. It’s strange what blessings can come from tragedies, but after my brother and I both lost our closest friends suddenly in the same year, we formed a bond that we never had before. Fortunately, not everyone has to experience a loss like that, but those who do have to figure out how to move forward from it, and how it is going to influence their life. I think my brother and I have found similar paths which involve trying to live each day to its fullest because we have seen firsthand how quickly it can all be taken away. He is so great with people and I know he has always been a natural leader, so I like to see him around his friends being a positive influence. I’m really proud of him and I am excited to see what he is able to accomplish with all of his amazing talents.

I have gotten to visit with a few other friends down here as well that have each shown me different neighborhoods around L.A., each of which seem to fit their personalities surprisingly well. Rebekah, a friend from San Luis Obispo who moved down here about 6 months ago, live in Santa Monica and let me stay at her place for the weekend. On New Year’s Eve she won tickets to a Clipper’s game which was such a fun treat. I had never been to Staples Center before, but I definitely went in style for my first time. We had VIP parking and our seats were second row! She went out of town for a few days after that so I had her place to myself. She lives walking distance from the 3^rd Street Promenade and the ocean, so I really enjoyed the local. My first night in her neighborhood I took myself out to a nice dinner at Lago in the Promenade. It was sort of a social experiment to see how I could handle marketing myself, since I am now the product I am trying to sell. I sat at the bar and almost immediately established myself as the wine geek. People started asking what I did for a living and how they could learn more about it. I felt great afterwards and I also learned a lot about how people respond which I can use to market my business even better.

On Saturday I met up with Stephi, a friend from junior high school, who took me to Abbot Kinney Blvd. in Venice which is full of boutique and vintage shops. Her style has always been very unique and this area fit her well. I tend to adapt a little to each of my friend’s different personalities naturally, and I liked the side of me that fit in that neighborhood. It was all pedestrian traffic, mellow people and unique food. Stephi has always been a little ahead of her time so I have had a lot in common with her for years. She graduated high school and college years ahead of her peers and traveled the world a bit before settling down in L.A. to teach. I admire her love of great literature and quirky fashion. I also admire how open minded she is about life and people. It is hard to likeminded people to discuss the world with that you can still learn from. We hung out all afternoon and ended up back at her friend’s house drinking good Sake and playing Apples to Apples for 3 hours with a group of friends. The whole experience definitely made me anxious to get settled into a place where I can have my friends over to entertain. I was also really impressed with how she is handling her relationship with her boyfriend. They met a few years ago when she was planning to move to Australia. They decided to wait to be together so that she could do what was best for her, which was to travel and learn more about who she was. Now their relationship is so much stronger because of it and they are so levelheaded about their future. Unlike everyone who has recently graduated from college, they are in no rush to get married until they have each accomplished more of their personal goals and are in a better position financially. It is so nice to see two people secure enough in their feelings for each other that they don’t need to rush into a marital commitment to validate their status. It gives me a very positive outlook for how I want things to be in my own relationship in the future.

Today I met with Mariah, a friend from Victory Christian high school whom I had fallen out with until last year at a family friend’s funeral. She has changed so much from the person she once was, and I am really proud to see what she has been doing the last couple years since finishing school. Mariah and I stopped being friends after she chose to judge me and turn her back on me during a period of my life where I was getting into trouble and probably needed friends the most. At the time, that’s how the Christian church chose to deal with our family’s issues, and they seemed unable to find any of Christ’s compassion and love that they preached about every Sunday. Mariah never understood how awful a thing it is to place judgment on someone else until the church did the same to her last year. Her whole life she has wanted to serve the church and minister to the youth, but when she came out last year, the church turned their backs on her, without an ounce of acceptance or love. Some even told her they were ashamed to have ever called her a sister in Christ. She was devastated, but it was also the first time she realized how harsh and unfair her judgments on me were many years before. Since then we have reestablished our friendship and I was so excited to hear how she has been working down in L.A. to give back to the world as much as possible. She designed a communal living system for her and 11 other people in her house where they share everything with everyone, have meals together every night, and actively help out in their community. The house is made up of kids from wealthy, privileged backgrounds who want to put that to use and make a difference. It is a very admirable thing she is doing and I am excited to see what strides she will make.

So now it is Sunday night and I am sitting in a coffee shop thinking about what tomorrow will have in store. I will be in L.A. until Friday morning, then I will drive to San Luis Obispo to visit friends and go to a workshop for a business plan competition that I am a finalist in. I can’t wait to get to the Central Coast. I miss it so much! After a week there I will head to Sonoma to meet with a winery that wants me to help them develop their wine education department. It is a great opportunity for me to get my foot in the door with consulting work, so I am very eager to get there. As for my plans for the next couple months, things are still very flexible. I am planning to move to San Francisco ASAP, but securing a steady income is top priority before I make any major moves. I am enjoying the nomad approach as of now since consulting work would mean I would be traveling a lot anyway. I will continue to keep you all posted as things develop.