Fall in London Part 1

It’s December already. How did this happen? I started this blog journey in June, and now here I am, looking back at the past five months trying to figure out how I got here. Since I arrived, nearly nothing I set out to do has gone according to plan. Granted, the events that have taken place instead have returned better results than any plan ever could. I came here seeking out a specific job, which turned out to be a joke. I wanted to live with specific people because of what I thought they would add to my experience, but instead met two new people that have become an inspiring part of my life and have taught me things I never expected to learn. I wanted to focus solely on my future business ventures prepared to return home and take San Francisco by storm, but instead am embracing different talents and how discovering to take my personal experiences and turn them into something that can be shared with others. And of course as much as everyone teased me about running off to London and falling for some English bloke, I knew deep down that I wouldn't be distracted by these things because I was here to learn about myself; who knew I would meet someone who has taught me more about appreciating and embracing myself for who I am, while at the same time sweeping me away with his bitter, dry, sarcastic (i.e. English) humor. This trip was about "finding" myself, but it was everything I found in others that helped me find myself the most.

I think it is hard to define what it means to "find" yourself, although it is a term thrown around by post-college grads like myself all the time. Certainly life is a never ending journey in which we will all continuously learn more about ourselves each day (if we pay attention of course). But how can you find something if you aren't even sure what you are looking for? I believe we all have an idea of what we want to find. We see it in the world, in the people around us, and acquire ideas of what we aspire to be. We find parts of the world that we want to see illuminated within ourselves, for others to see and appreciate. One of my strongest wishes since I left California was that my family could experience what I have been able to and see the perspective on life I have been offered. I realize that although I am nearing the end of this trip, I am really only at the beginning of understanding what the whole journey has meant to me. I'm sure I will walk away with these experiences and continue to grow from them for the rest of my life. But right now at least, I feel I am at the point where I can make an initial assessment of what they have meant to me and what I plan to take away from it all.

When I arrived to Switzerland in June, I was still thick in the mess of a two year relationship that was sitting as a dead weight on both parties (not to mention some unfortunate close friends of mine). It was a constant struggle to see clearly through the tangled webs of emotion we had created; there had been so much love, hurt, struggle, pain and friendship. I felt like I was never going to understand why I had to go through so much with one person, only to still be left feeling like I didn't have a clue. Not to mention that if I ever felt like it was time to sever the ties and break away, it was never an option because everything in our lives constantly overlapped and there was no distance to be found. But then one day, something amazing happened.

After 18 months of searching this person's heart and only finding doubt, insecurity and denial, suddenly there was what seemed to be hope. He finally told me, after all this time and pain he had put me through, I was what he wanted. But that wasn't the amazing part. No, the amazing part came when I stopped and looked at myself, for the first time in far too long, and I realized I no longer needed, or wanted, what I thought my life had been incomplete without. For so long I thought that if he could just feel the way about me that I wanted him to feel, that it would validate everything we had been through, or somehow make all the pain worth it. But it didn't. At least not in the way I had anticipated. Instead it validated me as a strong independent woman who could see herself for who she really was. It made me proud of who I had become and I felt strong and capable. A part of me had been buried or hidden, but it was finally free to flourish in any way possible. This is where the real journey began.

Now you know most of the events that followed from that point in June, over the next few months traveling Europe, and moving to London. But there are a few things I have left out, and now that I have had the time to reflect upon them, I would like to share them with you.

First I will tell you about the wonderful women that helped welcome me into this city. When I arrived I was staying at a hostel for other short term travelers like myself. We all had the same work visa which meant we were all here for 6 months tops (except the Aussies who get two years), and were all recently finished with school (or taking time off mid studies). So there was no drastic age gap between us, and it was immediately clear we were all on some sort of personal journey to find something. I hit it off with my roommate Julie right away, and my second day in London I went out with a group of girls to the Notting Hill Carnival. Julie and Jacinta had already been looking for a flat together, so I offered to help look for places with them if they wouldn’t mind adding another housemate. It seemed to work out perfectly. Things with them were easy and fun, and best of all, we really understood each other. The three of us were all here by ourselves with no other friends or family to act as buffers. We had each come out of some sort of a relationship before landing here, so the feelings of loneliness were mutual. And we were all really into the idea of absorbing ourselves in the London life, which was proving to be harder than we anticipated. Right from the start we all acknowledged our extreme mood swings and heightened emotional levels. None of us realized or had been prepared for the emotional rollercoaster this experience would be. If anything, I thought I would be a little homesick, but the feeling was so much more than that. I felt a complete loss of myself and my direction and place in life. I was unable to find reason for why I was in London, why I had left everything comfortable, and what it was all for. These women were experiencing the same emotions and therefore we became each other’s support. We were all looking for the same things. We all had the same sense of loss but were each trying to find meaning to it. We all acknowledged the loneliness and longing to be close to others, but instead of letting those feelings take over and form unhealthy attachments to people, we relied on each other for strength. Each time things felt like they were too much, we were there for each other. And every time I thought it was too much and I was being too dramatic or emotional, they were there to tell me they were feeling the same things. I have never bonded with people faster, especially girls. And I have never experienced a friendship between a group of three that seemed so equal and mutually understanding. It seemed to me that in groups of three, one person was always slightly left out or there was jealousy among one of the members because the others were getting more attention. In fact we all agreed that’s what we had come to expect from our relationships with girls, but this was different. We were able to open up to each other about our homes, our families, and what had brought us here. Each of our stories and experiences were different, but they all found a common ground for us to connect over. After some time, we determined it was too difficult to find a place to live together since we all worked across the city from one another and our budgetary and time constraints made it impossible to find anything decent. But nonetheless we have managed to stay in each other’s lives despite extremely different schedules and now being spread out all over greater London. Although I do not see them now as much as I wish I did, I want them to know what they have been to me these past three months. They have been exceedingly valuable and irreplaceable, and I cannot imagine finding two other people in the entire enormity of London that could have better fit the role that they played in my life. People come and go in our lives and each serves a purpose whether we see it at the time or not. I know that it will be hard for me to maintain my relationship with them since in less than one month I am moving back to California, Jacinta is moving to India, and Julie is moving back to Minnesota. But the things I have shared with them will never be forgotten and they will always hold a special place in my heart.

When I have more time to sit down and write again next week, I will tell you about my wonderful roommates, my job and work friends, and of course, Chris, for those of you who haven't heard about him yet. Stay tuned...