Some Thoughts from Italy

Nighttime Journal Writing: July 1, 2008

I am on the road home from a day trip in Italy and I wanted to write to tell you how much you have all been on my mind recently. We spent all last week walking and hiking, and so far this week we have been sitting on the bus for very long drives, so I have had much more time to think. I have been listening to my iPod which is full of music Nicholas gave me, and there is one album by a string quartet that I have been listening to on repeat because it is nice while enjoying the scenery out the windows.

Yesterday we drove from Switzerland through the Alps into Italy. It was an amazing drive and I have never seen such incredible mountains before. It was a nice time to reflect on some things I didn’t really have time to process this past year. I have thought a lot about Chris on this trip. About giving him a hug or hearing his voice. I get tears in my eyes every time I think about not being able to tell him about this trip and hear his laugh while I tell my stories. Maybe it didn’t bother me as much before because I was still in the same phase in my life and felt that he died still knowing who I was. But even in the last 2 weeks so much has changed and I have changed along with it, but he doesn’t know me anymore.

I know this isn’t much of a reflection of what I have been doing on my trip, but this is my attempt to stay close and connected to you all by being honest about my feelings over here. There is s huge part of me that is so homesick and longing to just see you and hug you all. The other part of me is happy to have good friends here and to be so busy. But sometimes that isn’t enough. There have even been several times I think I never want to leave to go back to the US because I like the lifestyle so much more here, but I don’t think I could ever really have a full life without being close to you all.

I had a terrible nightmare on Saturday night that I couldn’t escape thoughts of all day Sunday. I got a phone call from mom while I was over here telling me that dad had a stroke and didn’t survive. I have always been plagued with very vivid and sometimes haunting dreams ever since the recurring nightmares I had following Papa Bill’s death, so I’m mostly used to them, but this one was not tolerable. It was so real and it touched on so many things that have happened throughout the year that I don’t think I have dealt with.

Earlier this year I watched a friend have a stroke in front of me which led to nearly 3 months in the hospital and several heart surgeries. He is ok now, but I don’t think I ever acknowledged how traumatic the experience was. In the dream, they tried to send me to counseling at the school here, and I couldn’t even get the words out of my mouth about what happened or why I was there. It is the same way I felt about going to counseling in real life when I needed to talk about Chris. I could hardly say the words out loud.

I feel that this year has been one of the hardest years for me and it has pushed me to continuously be stronger and stronger every day. Most days I’m ok with this, but there are moments when I just want to scream and ask God why I have to be any stronger. I want to tell him I’m done being strong and I cant handle the things that haunt be all day in my real life and at night in my dreams.

I can imagine this might all seem a little dramatic if you didn’t see it coming. I feel like we all have things haunting us everyday, and as bad as we make them sound, we are ok and able to deal with them while continuing to live our happy and full lives. These are just the thoughts of the things that plague me when I have too much time to think.